Long overdue

So, I have moved to the next phase of my life.. both figuratively and physically!  It feels good.. I moved to a small town just one county away from where I was, and couldn't be happier. The schools are great... neighbors are friendly.. and I am 5 minutes from work.  I am slowly and cautiously meeting new people.. Marissa is flourishing.. she met a new friend and they get along wonderfully.
I have also filed for child support for my littlest angel, Joaquin. It isn't being paid.. but I knew that it wouldn't be.  Within hours of the judges decision,  Jack called me to ask about relinquishing his parental rights.   It was the very thing that kept me from asking for support for so many years... now.. well it is what is.. at least until Joaquin is older and begins to ask questions.  Sigh.. I am not looking forward to that.. but I will handle it as gently as possible... For now.. he is a happy, loved, and well adjusted 4 year old. He asks for his daddy but is content with knowing that daddy is very busy but loves him with all his heart.

It's Sunday morning and my little ones are running around with the dog ... I am  enjoying my coffee and contemplating a few things.  Clay for one.. We have been dating over a year and he still hasn't met the kids.  I suppose thats ok ..but I wonder where we will be in another year.  Will we ever progress past seeing each other once a week...and if so.. is that enough?  Right now I suppose it is..I miss him terribly when I am not with him but it is manageable.  I did mention to him again that we should get together just to introduce him... but he got quiet. He is going through a lot right now so I really don't want to push the issue too much. We have sort of become comfortable with how things are right now...but I think I may want more, someone to come home to at night, to share my life with. I want him to be that person.. but I don't know if that will ever happen. It makes me a little sad to think he will never be ready for that but I am not ready to give up on it just yet. He makes me happy. He has all  the qualities I need in a man... He is strong, thoughtful, caring and we share some of the same values. Could this be love? Could I be lucky enough to find this twice in one life?
A girl can hope:)

Beautiful...

"There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't like that because they want to be. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them."

Be careful whose gaze you meet.. eyes speak more truth than the lips ever could.... 

So far...

Sitting outside with two of my four beautiful children... There is a slight breeze and I can smell the Gardenias in bloom. It is a perfect day to reflect on everything that has happened since my last post.

Work has been great... I have moved into the engineering department, which really is where QA belongs anyway. I really like my job... I have a few personal issues with people, but they small and don't affect my work or love of what I do.
My personal life has calmed a bit, mostly out of necessity.  Jack is still trying to get me back and as resorted to not seeing his son... He says that he wants a family and that it is my fault he doesn't see him because I don't want the same thing.  I am happy and ,looking back, not quite sure what I saw in him.. other than the fact that he was the complete opposite of my late husband...  I felt like finding the same qualities would do his memory and the new relatiopurr5nship a disservice. ... that I was replacing him... Anyway.. I do not regret the relationship.. I have my beautiful boy .. and that is worth any amount of aggravation that I might be going through.  My only source of sadness and anger at this point is that my son.. our son is paying for the fact that we aren't together.
I was at the point of tears last night... It wasn't the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last...  As we sat trying to find the last three pieces to Joaquins favorite dinosaur puzzle he says out of nowhere .. "Mommy where's my daddy?  I love my daddy...  Mommy, my daddy is working.... " I say "yes baby, daddy is working and he loves you too" ...  The whole focus became building his puzzle for his daddy.. and how much his daddy was going to love it....  My sweet little boy just want's what all children want... for his daddy to be proud..
So I tell him that I know his daddy will love it...  how much he loves and misses him..all while holding back tears and wishing it were all true
Fact is.. I keep asking his father to see him and he keeps making excuses at the same time he is professing to miss him...
His newest tactic is to ask for a paternity test ..He bought one at the local pharmacy and sent it to me.. well half of it, told me I should send back the sample and that he would send it into the lab... When I asked that he either send the complete test to me to send in or have one done at a reputable lab where we all go in, he protested.   I am not a complete idiot .. I mean really.. how hard would it be for him to swab the inside of  someone else's mouth and have "proof" that our son was not biologically his?   Well long story short.. it pushed me to file for child support, which I should have done a long time ago... again my hope that somehow we could have a civil relationship for our son won over common sense and the advice of friends.... He will get his "peace of mind" from a court ordered DNA test and, I will receive at least financial support for our child.

On a brighter note.. I have met someone.. I mentioned him in my last post... We have been seeing each other for a while now and he is pretty wonderful.  We have a lot in common.. and for the most part he is bot attentive and caring... Ana has been great and watches the little ones once a week so that we can see each other.
I am a bit "gun shy"  so I haven't introduced him to the kids yet... Though he has met Eddie and Ana briefly at work... Ahh I neglected to mention that we work together... which has been a little odd but easier than I thought since we both value our privacy and are professional to the point that until we mentioned it to a couple of close people, no one even knew we were dating...
We are getting close and I suppose we will have to decide if we are on the same page as far as our relationship goes.. I think we are.. but we both seem afraid too take that next step... He doesn't have kids.. and he is a bit younger than I am... that coupled with my failed relationship with Jack makes me a bit afraid that I might be wrong about him or that my little ones will get attached to another man only for it to end and they would be hurt again...  I would feel horrible ... 
I suppose I just have to decide if he is worth the risk...  That is difficult when the cost of being wrong is my childrens happiness........

... I have not quite been able to get Jack to understand that I cannot be with him.. He keeps telling me hes trying.. and that I just need to give him another  chance... I have given him chances... over and over again. I don't have anything left to give him.. I had begun to hate him.. and that is no good for Joaquin. I want him to be in his sons life.. He loves his daddy.. but even that seems impossible. His exact words to me were "I'll miss you and Joaquin"  .. It seems my fears were correct.. He does not know how(or refuses) to separate our relationship from his relationship with our son.
It has been months since we officially broke up and even longer since I have made it clear that I  was not happy and asked that he focus on Joaquin and not us.
I have lost any interest in working things out... I have moved on.... I even began seeing someone.. mostly in hopes that this would make him see that there is no chance.  He continues to ask .. continues to try and hold my hand during visits with Joaquin. ..he continues to refer to us as a couple... He has been driving by my house...scaring my children... I am seriously considering a restraining order... The only thing stopping me is that hope I spoke of a couple of years ago... Sadly.. that too is deteriorating. 

Well another day has passed.. I took Joaquin to see his father yesterday.. It has been well over a month since he has seen him.  We went to the park... I figured it would be best not to go to his house... I was right.
I went to see my sister last week.. I wish under better circumstances :o( She lost her husband .. I was never close to him but she loved him.... I feel badly for my niece .. She isn't close to my sister... so her dad was who she turned to.. now she feels all alone. 
He was a pleasant enough man.. but a severe alcoholic and my sister always felt the need to protect him from himself... She wouldn't let him work... drive.. she barely left him alone for fear he would drink... which he always did.
I can't imagine a life like that.. for either of them.  So I am torn between feeling sad that she lost someone she loved.. and comforted by the fact that he is no longer struggling and she no longer has to play warden to a grown man.
Anyway .. I was happy to be able to be there for her.