Probably...

Ever really love someone but know deep in your heart that no matter how much you love each other it will probably never work? Even typing that question I could not stop myself from leaving just a little room for hope.. "probably?" Hell I know it can't work.. He is everything I have taught my daughters to stay away from...and am trying to raise my sons not to be. Egotistical, stubborn, chauvinistic, immature, emotionally abusive.. ahh I could go on but it's too depressing. So why? Why am I so afraid to lose him? Why does it bother me so much when I don't hear from him? I try hard to convince myself and everyone around me that it is for Joaquin. He deserves a father.. he deserves a family. His sisters and brother had a father that loved them beyond words. ..

(.. hmm lets pause to explain.... My husband of 18 years passed away a few years ago.... I met Jack... and unexpectedly .. my little Joaquin was conceived.)

As much as I try to convince myself that is the reason.. it really is only part of it.. Joaquin does deserve to have those things.. but even that has been a struggle.. and my fear is that he will eventually be the one hurt...
I know better.. intellectually I know I can raise him myself .. I know that he is probably better off without the constant battles between us.. and that the occasional visit would be, though not ideal, acceptable. .. So why? I like to believe I am an intelligent woman. I have a job, and except for the occasional child support check I support my children by myself.. . The only thing I can think of is that "probably".. What if he can change? ... What if he one day wakes up and realizes what he has all laid out in front of him? It will probably never happen.. but what if?

In his defense, I am not the easiest person to get along with.. and I have very high standards when it comes to raising my children. Even there we differ... he sees children as less than human .. workers... beings to be seen and not heard... I raised them to be confidant,outspoken and opinionated .. to let it be known if they felt wronged in any way.
I believe he sees them almost as rivals.. they are extremely protective of me .. and although they try to be civil(Save for my Anastasia who makes no secret that she dislikes him) I can't help but feel they are just waiting for him to do that one thing that pushes me over the edge and him out of our lives.
I guess that I am waiting for the same thing to some extent.. that one thing that I just cannot tolerate .. or get past no matter how badly I want it to work .. that one thing that erases the "what if" and leaves no room for "probably"