So.. I as I sat reading my posts.. I start to wonder why? Why am I really in a relationship that makes me so unhappy? Why do I still work at a job that I dread going to every day? Why do I sound so negative about almost everything? This is not who I am..This is not the person I want my children to emulate .. I want them to be strong .. confident, self sufficient and happy!
Am I just in a rut? Could this be what depression feels like? I have never been one to make excuses.. Thoughts of a stint on anti depressants and everyone around me walking on eggshells .. wondering if the next thing they say will send me into the local mental health facility.. What a horrible thought! Me? Depressed? In need of an outside influence to make me happy again? I will not allow that .. I can't!
So what to do? Sit back and hope it goes away?
Well that just isn't acceptable.. I have children who need me to be on top of everything all the time. I am their stability ... so.. what to do.. what to do .. Seems like it's time to make some changes ... Start small ... learn to be happy again.. Remember how much I have .....No.. not remember .. focus ... Remember implies I forgot .. and I haven't ... I have 4 of the most incredible children ... I have a roof over my head.. a pretty nice one at that.. I have a job.. wait I hate my job.. but so many people don't even have that.. but it is one of the main sources of my ... hmmm... lets call it a rut! ... It is something that may have to change in the very near future.. if at all possible.
Now the other source of my "rut"will not be so easy .. We are tied together by our little Joaquin ... and as much as logic tells me that Joaquin will probably be better off in the long run ... I still cannot bring myself to do that to either of them ... I will leave that for later .. and hope that somehow we can make it work.. or gather the strength to let go.
So.. back to starting small ... I am going to end everyday noting one thing I am thankful for .. one thing that made the day good ... positive thinking seems to be the remedy prescribed by talk show hosts ..personalities and the like... And I have always prided myself on how I woke up every morning thankful for what I have.. maybe it's time to end the day that way as well ... we will see how it goes .. and if willing ones self to be happy is possible ... then I am up for the challenge.
Bigger changes need to happen.. I know.. and they will.. So I will take a few minutes each day to reflect .. notice every thing I have.. light a few candles ... warm bath.. glass of wine.. something .. anything .. just for me ... no matter how frightening it might be to be alone with my thoughts :P
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