Well.. It's been a few months.. I have made some changes. I started a new job last month.. I love it!! It feels wonderful to actually enjoy going to work again.  The pay is better..  The hours are good.. Overtime is needed. 

 They seem impressed with my work, which is great...  I applied a couple of times.. but for a different position.  They called me back because of my experience in another area .. I am pleasantly surprised that I am enjoying the position.... It is a lot of work.. and I am on my feet, running around most of the day... but it feels GREAT .. and the fact that I am finally getting back into pre-Joaquin shape is an added bonus.  He is 2 now and well .. it has taken longer than I anticipated to lose those last few baby pounds. 
Now that my professional life is in order.. I really need to focus on my personal life.
I don't  really know what I want at this point.  I love Jack.. well at least I think I do.. But I don't know if that is enough anymore.  I hold on.. I guess for Joaquin... He loves his daddy... and Jack has proven that if we aren't together...he will pretty much throw his son away.. It breaks my heart. so I endure the emotional abuse. 
I don't get angry with anything he does anymore... I am apathetic to the whole thing ... which makes me sad ... It is a very lonely ,empty feeling.
Every once in a while he does something to make me remember why I fell in love with him.. but those times are becoming less and less ... I am tired of being unhappy .. but again .. my baby boy deserves his father in his life ... and I will not be the cause of that ending. ..
I know better... I know he deserves more than a father that would throw him away so carelessly.  He deserves the kind of father that would fight for him until his last breath.  But this is what he has .. and I seem hell bent on holding it together... until I cannot hold on anymore.. ever hopeful that something will change .. something will click and make everything right. 
Logically .. I know it wont .. but my heart .. well it doesn't know logic...