Fla. Republican: We wanted to suppress black votes

Fla. Republican: We wanted to suppress black votes

Well it's been an interesting couple of weeks ...Work has been uneventful and home has been serene, for the most part. My romantic life on the other hand has been a roller coaster.  Clay has expressed that he loves me and wants to marry me.. and for a while I have been hesitant.  He drinks a lot and when he does he becomes another person.... This scares me for a lot of reasons... I have children and well.. that is not the environment I  want them to grow up in; I don't have the patience to deal with someone constantly being intoxicated.  But I do love him.. and when we are together things are wonderful.. he is caring ... attentive and generous.  Lately ... this has diminished .. he doesn't answer my texts .. or call me like he used to.  When we actually get time together he still treats me like I am the only woman in the world.. but only when we are together... sooo my female intuition and the years of people watching made me want to dig a little and of course..  I was right... there was another woman.  I confronted him and he admitted that there was someone .. but tat she is his mothers nurse... He can't afford a home health aid at 18.00 an hour and this girl likes him.. so she is either cheap or free. He says he is leading her on but that nothing physical has happened.  As much as I want to believe this.. I know it isn't true...female intuition again... So I am left trying to balance my love for him with a dose of reality... I know better.. really I do!!  I just really want to give him the benefit of the doubt... I guess I am just trying to hang on to something that may not be mine to have.. in hopes that someone in my life could possibly be honest and loyal... Yes.. I am a fool.

Well wouldn't you know it.. I checked the CSE website today and they actually sent Jack a letter.  It was a reminder that he hadn't paid his child support in 45 days and that he had 14 days to pay it .. it's been much longer.. and this was only the first of three reminders .. but hey, it;s more than what's been done so far.   I could really use the money right now.. I doubt he will pay any of it.. but we will see.

It's been 4 days of extra B12 a  multivitamin  and my regular dose of CLA ..which is typically for weight loss but helps my joint pain immensely.  Not quite sure if it is pure will power or if the supplements are actually helping but I do feel a bit better than I have the past two weeks. 

On another note.. it's been 4 months since Jack has paid child support. The Florida Child Support Enforcement Agency (CSE) is living up to it's horrible reputation. A judge denied Jacks petition for a paternity test back in December; in March I received an appointment notice for genetic testing. Confused, I called child support and they told me to call the Clerk of Court, which I did, only to be told to go to my local CSE office with the letter to work it out. I did.. and no one could tell me why I received this letter because they had no record of it. Must have been a mistake...They made a note in my file and told me not to worry about the appointment.. In May I received yet another appointment letter saying that they had rescheduled my appointment.  Again I called CSE and the Clerk of Court.. both saying it was the other agencies responsibility to fix it... but that this time, even though te Clerk of Court had no record of a judges order for testing, there was indeed an appointment in the CSE database and I had neglected to make the first one... Also letting me know that they would not begin enforcement actions until the results came back.  Needless to say, I was more than a little frustrated.  But a prepared myself to miss yet another day of work just to get it over with.  Two days before the appointment I faxed the local CSE office administrator and explained both the situation and my frustration (there is no local phone number available).. She called me the next morning apologizing and assuring me that I did not have to go to the appointment.. also assuring me that she had made 2 notes and called the testing facility to cancel, and that she had no idea why someone told me they would not pursue the child support until the testing was completed because it simply wasn't true .. Well I wish I could say that they at least sent im a letter that day.. but they haven't.. I called yesterday and the worker seemed baffled at the fact that there had been no action taken since April .. but assured me .. YET AGAIN.. that she would put a note in my file for the local office to pursue...  Something tells me that before my munchkin is 10 they will run out of room to post notes... Maybe then they will actually look at my file.. if for nothing else but to purge it and begin again.....We shall see..

So.. it's Sunday morning and the house is quiet (for now).. The kids are still asleep and I am enjoying a cup of coffee and a few minutes of solitude...   I keep thinking back to yesterdays post.. then further back to the past couple of weeks. I have been feeling especially moody for at least that long.  I find myself wanting to be alone most of the time.  The thought of being around anyone but my children makes me anxious. 
I have a good life... beautiful children who love me.. a decent job..good friends; so I can't quite understand why I am feeling this way.  Whatever it is.. I hate it and I am determined to shake it!  But how do you fight something you can't see... something you don't know the origin of?  Vitamins.. herbs.. determination.. or do I give in and opt for technology and man made drugs?  I do not like prescription drugs.. never have.  They tend to mask real issues and more often than not,  the side effects are worse than the condition they are prescribed for.... so I will try determination and some supplements for now.  I should be happily enjoying all of the amazing things that life has provided me... not wanting to hide away from them.  Let's see where this takes me..

Moody today

Enjoying a quiet Saturday after a stressful week.. I have been a bit moody lately; hopefully some quiet time will help.. Clay may stop by for a bit, and Alli's little sister and her friend will be visiting as well.. I am really not in te mood to socialize but I suppose I can manage for a few hours.  

ZeekRewards - The Rewards Program of a Lifetime!

ZeekRewards - The Rewards Program of a Lifetime!

Interesting new prospect that quite a few people are excited about... Figured I would give it a try...
If you happen by.. please do let me know what you think.

Long overdue

So, I have moved to the next phase of my life.. both figuratively and physically!  It feels good.. I moved to a small town just one county away from where I was, and couldn't be happier. The schools are great... neighbors are friendly.. and I am 5 minutes from work.  I am slowly and cautiously meeting new people.. Marissa is flourishing.. she met a new friend and they get along wonderfully.
I have also filed for child support for my littlest angel, Joaquin. It isn't being paid.. but I knew that it wouldn't be.  Within hours of the judges decision,  Jack called me to ask about relinquishing his parental rights.   It was the very thing that kept me from asking for support for so many years... now.. well it is what is.. at least until Joaquin is older and begins to ask questions.  Sigh.. I am not looking forward to that.. but I will handle it as gently as possible... For now.. he is a happy, loved, and well adjusted 4 year old. He asks for his daddy but is content with knowing that daddy is very busy but loves him with all his heart.

It's Sunday morning and my little ones are running around with the dog ... I am  enjoying my coffee and contemplating a few things.  Clay for one.. We have been dating over a year and he still hasn't met the kids.  I suppose thats ok ..but I wonder where we will be in another year.  Will we ever progress past seeing each other once a week...and if so.. is that enough?  Right now I suppose it is..I miss him terribly when I am not with him but it is manageable.  I did mention to him again that we should get together just to introduce him... but he got quiet. He is going through a lot right now so I really don't want to push the issue too much. We have sort of become comfortable with how things are right now...but I think I may want more, someone to come home to at night, to share my life with. I want him to be that person.. but I don't know if that will ever happen. It makes me a little sad to think he will never be ready for that but I am not ready to give up on it just yet. He makes me happy. He has all  the qualities I need in a man... He is strong, thoughtful, caring and we share some of the same values. Could this be love? Could I be lucky enough to find this twice in one life?
A girl can hope:)

Beautiful...

"There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't like that because they want to be. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them."

Be careful whose gaze you meet.. eyes speak more truth than the lips ever could.... 

So far...

Sitting outside with two of my four beautiful children... There is a slight breeze and I can smell the Gardenias in bloom. It is a perfect day to reflect on everything that has happened since my last post.

Work has been great... I have moved into the engineering department, which really is where QA belongs anyway. I really like my job... I have a few personal issues with people, but they small and don't affect my work or love of what I do.
My personal life has calmed a bit, mostly out of necessity.  Jack is still trying to get me back and as resorted to not seeing his son... He says that he wants a family and that it is my fault he doesn't see him because I don't want the same thing.  I am happy and ,looking back, not quite sure what I saw in him.. other than the fact that he was the complete opposite of my late husband...  I felt like finding the same qualities would do his memory and the new relatiopurr5nship a disservice. ... that I was replacing him... Anyway.. I do not regret the relationship.. I have my beautiful boy .. and that is worth any amount of aggravation that I might be going through.  My only source of sadness and anger at this point is that my son.. our son is paying for the fact that we aren't together.
I was at the point of tears last night... It wasn't the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last...  As we sat trying to find the last three pieces to Joaquins favorite dinosaur puzzle he says out of nowhere .. "Mommy where's my daddy?  I love my daddy...  Mommy, my daddy is working.... " I say "yes baby, daddy is working and he loves you too" ...  The whole focus became building his puzzle for his daddy.. and how much his daddy was going to love it....  My sweet little boy just want's what all children want... for his daddy to be proud..
So I tell him that I know his daddy will love it...  how much he loves and misses him..all while holding back tears and wishing it were all true
Fact is.. I keep asking his father to see him and he keeps making excuses at the same time he is professing to miss him...
His newest tactic is to ask for a paternity test ..He bought one at the local pharmacy and sent it to me.. well half of it, told me I should send back the sample and that he would send it into the lab... When I asked that he either send the complete test to me to send in or have one done at a reputable lab where we all go in, he protested.   I am not a complete idiot .. I mean really.. how hard would it be for him to swab the inside of  someone else's mouth and have "proof" that our son was not biologically his?   Well long story short.. it pushed me to file for child support, which I should have done a long time ago... again my hope that somehow we could have a civil relationship for our son won over common sense and the advice of friends.... He will get his "peace of mind" from a court ordered DNA test and, I will receive at least financial support for our child.

On a brighter note.. I have met someone.. I mentioned him in my last post... We have been seeing each other for a while now and he is pretty wonderful.  We have a lot in common.. and for the most part he is bot attentive and caring... Ana has been great and watches the little ones once a week so that we can see each other.
I am a bit "gun shy"  so I haven't introduced him to the kids yet... Though he has met Eddie and Ana briefly at work... Ahh I neglected to mention that we work together... which has been a little odd but easier than I thought since we both value our privacy and are professional to the point that until we mentioned it to a couple of close people, no one even knew we were dating...
We are getting close and I suppose we will have to decide if we are on the same page as far as our relationship goes.. I think we are.. but we both seem afraid too take that next step... He doesn't have kids.. and he is a bit younger than I am... that coupled with my failed relationship with Jack makes me a bit afraid that I might be wrong about him or that my little ones will get attached to another man only for it to end and they would be hurt again...  I would feel horrible ... 
I suppose I just have to decide if he is worth the risk...  That is difficult when the cost of being wrong is my childrens happiness........

... I have not quite been able to get Jack to understand that I cannot be with him.. He keeps telling me hes trying.. and that I just need to give him another  chance... I have given him chances... over and over again. I don't have anything left to give him.. I had begun to hate him.. and that is no good for Joaquin. I want him to be in his sons life.. He loves his daddy.. but even that seems impossible. His exact words to me were "I'll miss you and Joaquin"  .. It seems my fears were correct.. He does not know how(or refuses) to separate our relationship from his relationship with our son.
It has been months since we officially broke up and even longer since I have made it clear that I  was not happy and asked that he focus on Joaquin and not us.
I have lost any interest in working things out... I have moved on.... I even began seeing someone.. mostly in hopes that this would make him see that there is no chance.  He continues to ask .. continues to try and hold my hand during visits with Joaquin. ..he continues to refer to us as a couple... He has been driving by my house...scaring my children... I am seriously considering a restraining order... The only thing stopping me is that hope I spoke of a couple of years ago... Sadly.. that too is deteriorating. 

Well another day has passed.. I took Joaquin to see his father yesterday.. It has been well over a month since he has seen him.  We went to the park... I figured it would be best not to go to his house... I was right.
I went to see my sister last week.. I wish under better circumstances :o( She lost her husband .. I was never close to him but she loved him.... I feel badly for my niece .. She isn't close to my sister... so her dad was who she turned to.. now she feels all alone. 
He was a pleasant enough man.. but a severe alcoholic and my sister always felt the need to protect him from himself... She wouldn't let him work... drive.. she barely left him alone for fear he would drink... which he always did.
I can't imagine a life like that.. for either of them.  So I am torn between feeling sad that she lost someone she loved.. and comforted by the fact that he is no longer struggling and she no longer has to play warden to a grown man.
Anyway .. I was happy to be able to be there for her.

It's been a few months .. again...:o) I always mean to post at least weekly.. but life gets in the way sometimes.
So much is happening.  I am still enjoying my job, quite a bit.  I enjoy the people there. Some purely for entertainment value.. but a select few .. I truly like on a personal level. 

Speaking of personal.. *sigh* .. my personal life has changed.. I hope for the better.
I finally left Jack.. I just couldn't do it any more. He has become so unstable .. to the point that I fear for my safety .. as well as my children's.  He has hurt himself and threatened to hurt me and my children if I didn't stay with him.
As much as I wanted to try to make it work for Joaquin.. I just can't do it anymore.  So.. it's been a couple of months.. and other than his constant calls I feel good.. Free..
I have begun to go out once a week with friends .. It has been great.. and it has helped me to look at my relationship with Jack more clearly.

I hope that he get the help he needs and will move on. Want to be happy.. I want him to be happy.. but most of all I want my children to be happy

Moving on

So.. another couple of months have passed...Things are still changing.. I am growing ... Learning ...
I didn't realize how stuck I was... I forgot what it felt like to be alive .. to just breath ...
My new job has opened me up to so much.  New friends...OK well not exactly friends ...but decent people... who aren't focused on just themselves.  I am finding that I have something to offer new relationships ..qualities that make me good at what I was hired for... It's odd because I told myself I had these things.. But I am finding that seeing it happening.. Other people reinforcing it... I never truly believed it... I believed that what I already had was all I could hope for ...

Well.. It's been a few months.. I have made some changes. I started a new job last month.. I love it!! It feels wonderful to actually enjoy going to work again.  The pay is better..  The hours are good.. Overtime is needed. 

 They seem impressed with my work, which is great...  I applied a couple of times.. but for a different position.  They called me back because of my experience in another area .. I am pleasantly surprised that I am enjoying the position.... It is a lot of work.. and I am on my feet, running around most of the day... but it feels GREAT .. and the fact that I am finally getting back into pre-Joaquin shape is an added bonus.  He is 2 now and well .. it has taken longer than I anticipated to lose those last few baby pounds. 
Now that my professional life is in order.. I really need to focus on my personal life.
I don't  really know what I want at this point.  I love Jack.. well at least I think I do.. But I don't know if that is enough anymore.  I hold on.. I guess for Joaquin... He loves his daddy... and Jack has proven that if we aren't together...he will pretty much throw his son away.. It breaks my heart. so I endure the emotional abuse. 
I don't get angry with anything he does anymore... I am apathetic to the whole thing ... which makes me sad ... It is a very lonely ,empty feeling.
Every once in a while he does something to make me remember why I fell in love with him.. but those times are becoming less and less ... I am tired of being unhappy .. but again .. my baby boy deserves his father in his life ... and I will not be the cause of that ending. ..
I know better... I know he deserves more than a father that would throw him away so carelessly.  He deserves the kind of father that would fight for him until his last breath.  But this is what he has .. and I seem hell bent on holding it together... until I cannot hold on anymore.. ever hopeful that something will change .. something will click and make everything right. 
Logically .. I know it wont .. but my heart .. well it doesn't know logic...

Cautious ...

Well... I made it through another week. Same job .. same man .. But my outlook is slowly changing. . I have begun to actively look for a new place to work..  I figure something has to give.. for my sanity and my children's well being . I really don't have an attachment to the job anymore. I used to. There was a time that I couldn't wait to get to work.  Now I can't wait to leave and I dread waking up in the morning.
So.. it seems the most obvious choice to relieve some of the unproductive stress.
Now Jack.. well he suggested couples counseling (his mothers suggestion) .. I agreed.  Now I will wait and see if it ever happens. He tends to put things off until he is forced to do them. He has issues making decisions and bigger issues with getting anything at all done.. unless someone tells him to.  He just sort of exists .. which is a huge part of our problem.  I have also made a decision regarding that. I have decided to just let it be... I can't keep fighting no matter how much I really want this to work. This will take some getting used to as I am used to fighting and have major issues with letting go. .. But I will give it a try and hope for the best... We have both done are part to get to this point .. I just hope we can go on from here and begin to grow again.
I love him.. well at least I think I do. I never really understood the word love ... except for the love of my children it has never been an earth shattering emotion for me .. Jack is different in that it runs either hot or cold. There is no middle comfortable range. 
.. Anyway.. back to the changes.. I am looking forward to a new job .. Income taxes are due any day and I am going to treat myself to a few new additions to my wardrobe... and possibly some new shoes... I probably don't need the shoes but...I love them... call it an addiction.. vice.. whatever.. I don't indulge in it often .. but I may .. just this once!
Now the kids ... Well Ana and Alli have been spending time together again .. I don't really know what to make of it yet..  It's becoming an annual thing... they break up .. then get back together a month or two later. We will see.
Eddie and Marissa are getting ready for FCAT   .. Marissa has started going to a tutor for help in math.. and Eddie is HOPEFULLY studying for his testing.
Joaquin is learning more every minute.. He is amazing! I am considering taking him out of his current day care and placing him in a more structured environment.  I don't think they can teach him at the rate I know he is capable of.
.. Well the dog is chasing the children around the house and it is getting quite loud .. so off to make sure everyone is in one piece .. after that ..make a cup of coffee and check on the sauce.  Smells delicious BTW!!
I am hoping to write again later ... we will see ..