... I have not quite been able to get Jack to understand that I cannot be with him.. He keeps telling me hes trying.. and that I just need to give him another  chance... I have given him chances... over and over again. I don't have anything left to give him.. I had begun to hate him.. and that is no good for Joaquin. I want him to be in his sons life.. He loves his daddy.. but even that seems impossible. His exact words to me were "I'll miss you and Joaquin"  .. It seems my fears were correct.. He does not know how(or refuses) to separate our relationship from his relationship with our son.
It has been months since we officially broke up and even longer since I have made it clear that I  was not happy and asked that he focus on Joaquin and not us.
I have lost any interest in working things out... I have moved on.... I even began seeing someone.. mostly in hopes that this would make him see that there is no chance.  He continues to ask .. continues to try and hold my hand during visits with Joaquin. ..he continues to refer to us as a couple... He has been driving by my house...scaring my children... I am seriously considering a restraining order... The only thing stopping me is that hope I spoke of a couple of years ago... Sadly.. that too is deteriorating. 

Well another day has passed.. I took Joaquin to see his father yesterday.. It has been well over a month since he has seen him.  We went to the park... I figured it would be best not to go to his house... I was right.
I went to see my sister last week.. I wish under better circumstances :o( She lost her husband .. I was never close to him but she loved him.... I feel badly for my niece .. She isn't close to my sister... so her dad was who she turned to.. now she feels all alone. 
He was a pleasant enough man.. but a severe alcoholic and my sister always felt the need to protect him from himself... She wouldn't let him work... drive.. she barely left him alone for fear he would drink... which he always did.
I can't imagine a life like that.. for either of them.  So I am torn between feeling sad that she lost someone she loved.. and comforted by the fact that he is no longer struggling and she no longer has to play warden to a grown man.
Anyway .. I was happy to be able to be there for her.

It's been a few months .. again...:o) I always mean to post at least weekly.. but life gets in the way sometimes.
So much is happening.  I am still enjoying my job, quite a bit.  I enjoy the people there. Some purely for entertainment value.. but a select few .. I truly like on a personal level. 

Speaking of personal.. *sigh* .. my personal life has changed.. I hope for the better.
I finally left Jack.. I just couldn't do it any more. He has become so unstable .. to the point that I fear for my safety .. as well as my children's.  He has hurt himself and threatened to hurt me and my children if I didn't stay with him.
As much as I wanted to try to make it work for Joaquin.. I just can't do it anymore.  So.. it's been a couple of months.. and other than his constant calls I feel good.. Free..
I have begun to go out once a week with friends .. It has been great.. and it has helped me to look at my relationship with Jack more clearly.

I hope that he get the help he needs and will move on. Want to be happy.. I want him to be happy.. but most of all I want my children to be happy

Moving on

So.. another couple of months have passed...Things are still changing.. I am growing ... Learning ...
I didn't realize how stuck I was... I forgot what it felt like to be alive .. to just breath ...
My new job has opened me up to so much.  New friends...OK well not exactly friends ...but decent people... who aren't focused on just themselves.  I am finding that I have something to offer new relationships ..qualities that make me good at what I was hired for... It's odd because I told myself I had these things.. But I am finding that seeing it happening.. Other people reinforcing it... I never truly believed it... I believed that what I already had was all I could hope for ...

Well.. It's been a few months.. I have made some changes. I started a new job last month.. I love it!! It feels wonderful to actually enjoy going to work again.  The pay is better..  The hours are good.. Overtime is needed. 

 They seem impressed with my work, which is great...  I applied a couple of times.. but for a different position.  They called me back because of my experience in another area .. I am pleasantly surprised that I am enjoying the position.... It is a lot of work.. and I am on my feet, running around most of the day... but it feels GREAT .. and the fact that I am finally getting back into pre-Joaquin shape is an added bonus.  He is 2 now and well .. it has taken longer than I anticipated to lose those last few baby pounds. 
Now that my professional life is in order.. I really need to focus on my personal life.
I don't  really know what I want at this point.  I love Jack.. well at least I think I do.. But I don't know if that is enough anymore.  I hold on.. I guess for Joaquin... He loves his daddy... and Jack has proven that if we aren't together...he will pretty much throw his son away.. It breaks my heart. so I endure the emotional abuse. 
I don't get angry with anything he does anymore... I am apathetic to the whole thing ... which makes me sad ... It is a very lonely ,empty feeling.
Every once in a while he does something to make me remember why I fell in love with him.. but those times are becoming less and less ... I am tired of being unhappy .. but again .. my baby boy deserves his father in his life ... and I will not be the cause of that ending. ..
I know better... I know he deserves more than a father that would throw him away so carelessly.  He deserves the kind of father that would fight for him until his last breath.  But this is what he has .. and I seem hell bent on holding it together... until I cannot hold on anymore.. ever hopeful that something will change .. something will click and make everything right. 
Logically .. I know it wont .. but my heart .. well it doesn't know logic...

Cautious ...

Well... I made it through another week. Same job .. same man .. But my outlook is slowly changing. . I have begun to actively look for a new place to work..  I figure something has to give.. for my sanity and my children's well being . I really don't have an attachment to the job anymore. I used to. There was a time that I couldn't wait to get to work.  Now I can't wait to leave and I dread waking up in the morning.
So.. it seems the most obvious choice to relieve some of the unproductive stress.
Now Jack.. well he suggested couples counseling (his mothers suggestion) .. I agreed.  Now I will wait and see if it ever happens. He tends to put things off until he is forced to do them. He has issues making decisions and bigger issues with getting anything at all done.. unless someone tells him to.  He just sort of exists .. which is a huge part of our problem.  I have also made a decision regarding that. I have decided to just let it be... I can't keep fighting no matter how much I really want this to work. This will take some getting used to as I am used to fighting and have major issues with letting go. .. But I will give it a try and hope for the best... We have both done are part to get to this point .. I just hope we can go on from here and begin to grow again.
I love him.. well at least I think I do. I never really understood the word love ... except for the love of my children it has never been an earth shattering emotion for me .. Jack is different in that it runs either hot or cold. There is no middle comfortable range. 
.. Anyway.. back to the changes.. I am looking forward to a new job .. Income taxes are due any day and I am going to treat myself to a few new additions to my wardrobe... and possibly some new shoes... I probably don't need the shoes but...I love them... call it an addiction.. vice.. whatever.. I don't indulge in it often .. but I may .. just this once!
Now the kids ... Well Ana and Alli have been spending time together again .. I don't really know what to make of it yet..  It's becoming an annual thing... they break up .. then get back together a month or two later. We will see.
Eddie and Marissa are getting ready for FCAT   .. Marissa has started going to a tutor for help in math.. and Eddie is HOPEFULLY studying for his testing.
Joaquin is learning more every minute.. He is amazing! I am considering taking him out of his current day care and placing him in a more structured environment.  I don't think they can teach him at the rate I know he is capable of.
.. Well the dog is chasing the children around the house and it is getting quite loud .. so off to make sure everyone is in one piece .. after that ..make a cup of coffee and check on the sauce.  Smells delicious BTW!!
I am hoping to write again later ... we will see ..

How did I get here?

So.. I as I sat reading my posts.. I start to wonder why? Why am I really in a relationship that makes me so unhappy? Why do I still work at a job that I dread going to every day? Why do I sound so negative about almost everything?  This is not who I am..This is not the person I want my children to emulate .. I want them to be strong .. confident, self sufficient and happy!
Am I just in a rut? Could this be what depression feels like?  I have never been one to make excuses.. Thoughts of a stint on anti depressants and everyone around me walking on eggshells .. wondering if the next thing they say will send me into the local mental health facility.. What a horrible thought!  Me? Depressed? In need of an outside influence to make me happy again?  I will not allow that .. I can't!
So what to do? Sit back and hope it goes away?
Well that just isn't acceptable.. I have children who need me to be on top of everything all the time. I am their stability ... so.. what to do.. what to do .. Seems like it's time to make some changes ... Start small ... learn to be happy again.. Remember how much I have .....No.. not remember .. focus ... Remember implies I forgot .. and I haven't ... I have 4 of the most incredible children ... I have a roof over my head.. a pretty nice one at that.. I have a job.. wait I hate my job.. but so many people don't even have that.. but it is one of the main sources of my ... hmmm... lets call it a rut! ... It is something that may have to change in the very near future.. if at all possible.
Now the other source of my "rut"will not be so easy ..  We are tied together by our little Joaquin ... and as much as logic tells me that Joaquin will probably be better off in the long run ... I still cannot bring myself to do that to either of them ... I will leave that for later .. and hope that somehow we can make it work.. or gather the strength to let go.
So.. back to starting small ... I am going to end everyday noting one thing I am thankful for .. one thing that made the day good ... positive thinking seems to be the remedy prescribed by talk show hosts ..personalities and the like... And I have always prided myself on how I woke up every morning thankful for what I have.. maybe it's time to end the day that way as well ... we will see how it goes .. and if willing ones self to be happy is possible  ... then I am up for the challenge.
Bigger changes need to happen.. I know.. and they will..  So I will take a few minutes each day to reflect .. notice every thing I have.. light a few candles ... warm bath.. glass of wine.. something .. anything .. just for me ... no matter how frightening it might be to be alone with my thoughts :P

Wow! I haven't posted since April... I guess I have just been in a rut... Things between me and Jack have been pretty stagnate... He managed to buy a house ...A pretty nice one actually.. He left one job for another which he already quit. .. He is now living on the $8,000.00 first home buyer credit the Government gave him. .. He still continues to play games.. won't call.. won't come to visit but expects me to visit and call him every day.. I am currently dividing my time between work.. the kids and Jack... difficult but I have adjusted. .. I am however growing tired of the games and wondering if it is worth it... I am at a loss as to which way to turn.. I want him in Joaquin's life .. I want him in my life .. but though his words say he wants the same.. his actions are proving otherwise. I also seem to have issues with letting go .. I was raised to believe that you stay with one person your whole life "till death do us part" .. I did that once.. I lost my older children's father after 18 years together .. Jack was the first and only relationship I have had since his death. .. I am afraid that I am staying in the relationship for idealistic reasons .. not for the reasons one usually stays. He has proven that he has no interest in working on the relationship or in the work and patience it takes to be a father and role model to our son ... I just can't seem to let go ...

Work has been exhausting.. I received the promotion .. without a raise .. and as the workload increases the rewards of working hard have diminished... I dread Mondays now.. I have always loved doing what I do .. I am good at it.. and I enjoy the people I work with ... but it is difficult working for a company who does not care for it's employees .. even more so when you are forced to be a part of it .. being in upper management is not all it's cracked up to be ... I am currently searching for a new job.. one more rewarding and challenging at the same time ...

Now.. for the best part of my life! My children .. They are all wonderful ... Ana is in college and doing great! She is also working and helping out as she always has ... Eddie is being home schooled at this time.. I have given him an ultimatum ,, either bring up his grades or get prepared for his GED so that he can go on to college. He must do something with his life .. Marissa is still the princess of the house ... still throwing tantrums that are ear shattering .. but also very sweet when she chooses to be ... I adore her .. just waiting for the "phase" to be over... Joaquin is my littlest angel .. so smart that his physical abilities haven't caught up to how quickly his brain is progressing... you can almost see him thinking .. We are working on weening him from nursing .. and considering potty training ... that should be TONS of fun as he shows no interest at this point .. I have stated it before ... they are my life .. they keep me happy .. they are the best reason to wake up each morning!