Have and have not

I woke up about 1 AM. No idea why ... just couldn't sleep. I contemplated going into work but thought the baby might wake up before his usual 7 AM alone and scared. That and I am sure Ana would not appreciate the rude awakening of a screaming baby at 3 AM without prior notice.
So I sat in bed trying to will myself to sleep, which of course has just the opposite effect, and I started thinking.
So many people are unhappy with the life they are living. We are always complaining about bills ... spouses .. how our kids won't listen, how we hate our jobs. I sat there staring at the ceiling, thinking how lucky I really am. I have overcome so much in the past few years .. I lost my husband ... my house.. my car .. But I have so much now.. I cannot replace my husband.. and well jack can't seem to live up to his memory.. but I do have him and he loves me. I have a new car with cheaper payments .. and although I am renting now, I have a new, bigger house. I have 4 kids that love me, and that I love with every fiber of my being. I know every parent loves their children but I think sometimes we forget to enjoy them. They bring me so much joy. They are funny, sweet, silly, and thoughtful. I like my life ... I have bad days .. we all do. But if I could do it all over again I wouldn't change it...
So many people have less than I do. Less than you do. I mean think about it ... here we sit in front of a computer reading about someone elses day to day life. There are so many people out there who don't have that luxury.
I just think so many of us forget to appreciate what we have. We get caught up in wanting more when so many have less ...
I started thinking of little ways to help, and this is what I came up with:
I normally don't use cash to buy anything .. I bring my ATM card .. so I never really get the chance to donate change to the charities that stand outside the stores during the holidays. So I vowed to always have at least 1 dollar with me.
My power company has an option to donate to help people less fortunate with their utility bills... so I donated a dollar.
So many stores and banks are collecting food and toys for families during the holidays.. so I think this year I will stop at an off price store and pick up a toy.. and maybe a box or can of something at the grocery store. ..
I also started a change jar that the kids can donate to and next year we will go shopping for Toys for Tots.. and a couple of food drives.
Now, I have 4 children and I don't make a great deal of money... The holidays will be really tight for me.. but think about it .. every thing I just listed will come to at most $10.00 .. even if each of us more fortunate gave half that.. someone would be better off...
I know some of you are thinking... "most of what is given doesn't even get to those who need it". Well you are probably right. But.. what about the portion that does??? It could mean a Christmas dinner for someone hungry ... or save a mom from having to explain why Santa didn't come this year..

Anyway.. I'm going to climb off of my soapbox and go snuggle up with my little munchkin .. But I would love to hear some comments and or ideas of how you have helped.. or how we can :o)

Probably...

Ever really love someone but know deep in your heart that no matter how much you love each other it will probably never work? Even typing that question I could not stop myself from leaving just a little room for hope.. "probably?" Hell I know it can't work.. He is everything I have taught my daughters to stay away from...and am trying to raise my sons not to be. Egotistical, stubborn, chauvinistic, immature, emotionally abusive.. ahh I could go on but it's too depressing. So why? Why am I so afraid to lose him? Why does it bother me so much when I don't hear from him? I try hard to convince myself and everyone around me that it is for Joaquin. He deserves a father.. he deserves a family. His sisters and brother had a father that loved them beyond words. ..

(.. hmm lets pause to explain.... My husband of 18 years passed away a few years ago.... I met Jack... and unexpectedly .. my little Joaquin was conceived.)

As much as I try to convince myself that is the reason.. it really is only part of it.. Joaquin does deserve to have those things.. but even that has been a struggle.. and my fear is that he will eventually be the one hurt...
I know better.. intellectually I know I can raise him myself .. I know that he is probably better off without the constant battles between us.. and that the occasional visit would be, though not ideal, acceptable. .. So why? I like to believe I am an intelligent woman. I have a job, and except for the occasional child support check I support my children by myself.. . The only thing I can think of is that "probably".. What if he can change? ... What if he one day wakes up and realizes what he has all laid out in front of him? It will probably never happen.. but what if?

In his defense, I am not the easiest person to get along with.. and I have very high standards when it comes to raising my children. Even there we differ... he sees children as less than human .. workers... beings to be seen and not heard... I raised them to be confidant,outspoken and opinionated .. to let it be known if they felt wronged in any way.
I believe he sees them almost as rivals.. they are extremely protective of me .. and although they try to be civil(Save for my Anastasia who makes no secret that she dislikes him) I can't help but feel they are just waiting for him to do that one thing that pushes me over the edge and him out of our lives.
I guess that I am waiting for the same thing to some extent.. that one thing that I just cannot tolerate .. or get past no matter how badly I want it to work .. that one thing that erases the "what if" and leaves no room for "probably"

God and Guns

It's Sunday morning and the weather went from 85 degrees yesterday down to about 70 today! Marissa is in the living room playing Guitar Hero while Munchkin is dancing and eating a banana, which he will only eat with the peel on.. Anyway I am taking the few minutes of quiet I will get today to read e-mail pay some bills and check my much neglected Myspace. So I come across these "Bumper stickers" ; small graphics with unusual, cute, funny , and sometimes depressing sayings....I browsed a few pages of them stopped dead when I saw one in particular... It scared the crap out of me..
I am not sure why it scared me.. Maybe imagining what type of person would have this mindset. Then I thought Lora! My older sister is a staunch republican and could not stand the thought of Obama getting into office. She was happy with Bush so why make waves. Now I must say I do not know her stand on guns but somehow I could just see her smiling while reading this. And then I came across THIS....
Now that is scary .. Obama the Antichrist???? Now I like to think I am pretty open to other peoples views but the thought of gun toting fanatics thinking Obama is the Antichrist wow.. this is just too much! And just what makes people believe he's the Antichrist? Is the fact that America voted in a black man that hard to digest? Is it the fact that he wants to change the mess that the republicans created?
From the looks of things he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. If things get better.. well the bible said it would ( at least for 7 years)...and if they don't then he is just another power hungry politician who duped us into thinking he wanted change. I suppose if there were to be a bright spot in all of this.. it will be that we will have 7 years of economic growth and world peace! Which is more than what we had with Bush...
Hmm well this just makes me more curious about the whole mindset of these people .. I think I will call Lora ..

Sitting here pretending to work... today was stressful...well all week has been stressful! Hours cut..no jobs ...trying to figure out a way to afford day care for munchkin so that Ana can stop working nights to watch him. Still waiting for Jack to pay child support for him on a regular basis as he promised. Still hoping he will do what is right and prove everyone wrong. Well.. either that or I am just a glutton for punishment. More than a few would think the latter.
I will delve more into my relationship with Jack a little later. Time to get out of here in time for Marissa to get off the bus!

Intro

So now begins my journey into blogging. Sharing my life, including the thoughts I would normally keep locked in my head.
Lets get started, shall we?
I am a single/widowed (sort of) mother of 4 children ranging in age from 1 to 20. Long span I know! I sometimes feel like I will never NOT have a little one clinging to my hip! But as I said, I wouldn't change it for the world. They are not the most well behaved polite thoughtful kids in the world but they do keep me entertained and I love them with every fiber of my being.
It is an extremely rare day where I actually utter the words "I'm Bored" and on that rare occasion it was probably someones thoughtful idea to give me a break from them.
They are the center of my world.. so it's only fitting that I introduce them.. First there is my Ana (Anastasia) She is 20 years old, slightly introverted, extremely anti-social and has been in a relationship with a wonderful young woman named Allison for a bit over three years. She is my rock, my angel in more ways than I think she even knows.
Next there is Eddie. He is my little man, though he is not so little anymore( He's 14). A sometimes difficult child. Strong willed, funny, sweet and I suppose as all 14 year old boys are, somewhat lazy. He dislikes school and although he is very bright has been doing so poorly I have been contemplating homeschooling him. He makes a point to make certain I smile every day.
Now on to my little Princess Marissa. She is 8 years old and very much a princess. She is a tiny little thing that everyone tries to feed because they swear she can't possibly be eating enough. She loves animals, writing, and of course being the center of attention. Sweet as can be.. still wants to be my baby girl though she sometimes acts like she is 30. If things don't go her way.. watch out! All that said.. I cannot neglect to mention that she is very much like me.. so much so that people have been known to call her my "Mini Me".
Last but most definitely not least is my munchkin.. Joaquin (J.J.)is 13 months..loves to make you laugh... sweet as sugar .. and learning that kisses make people smile.. and they sometimes get you cookies. He was a surprise to all of us. I really didn't think I would have any more children since my husband passed away. But here he is making my life and just about everyone else he meets lives just a little bit brighter.

Now that you have been properly introduced to the center of my world.. lets explore the rest...
Follow me. ...