Well.. It's Tuesday and I am exhausted already! I had a long weekend and I didn't sleep well last night. Jack has been visiting since Thursday and he says he is on vacation for a week. He's "looking for a house to buy" .. How the hell is that going to happen.. the market the way it is.. his credit is worse than mine.. and well he just isn't very motivated. He's staying with his parents now, and they have made it exceptionally comfortable for him. Way too comfortable if you ask me.. but no one asked.. so I will keep my mouth shut.
We have been getting along ok.. I mean.. we arent fighting.. He's still playing his poor me games... tells me that whatever I want he will do.. Problem is.. he does things on his time.. and by then, I have already done them myself. I asked him to get insurance for Joaquin.. he did.. when he 15 months old and I had already gotten insurance.. asked him to get a job.. that took a year.. asked him to get an apartment and stop living in his shop so that the baby would be safe when we came to visit.. he got an apartment.. a year later.. over 100 miles away.. and he kept it for a whole year!. He never invited us to visit... oh wait.. and the best... he bought a ring.. with what I will assume are intentions on asking me to marry him... while he is still in a "domestic partnership" with his ex. If you live in certain counties in Florida.. that is tantamount to a marriage license. .. I asked that he get it dissolved.. he hasn't.. says he promised by the beginning of the year... well .. it's April!
Anyway.. we have been going through the motions of being in a relationship. He comes up.. plays with the baby.. we talk a little.. watch tv together.. and well.. yes are intimate. I do have to say.. if there was something holding us together.. besides our sweet Joaquin.. it would have to be that we are so compatible sexually. That is the one area in our relationship that I have not and cannot imagine complaining about.
So I start wondering if that is all we have?.. Is that all we will ever have? Can we build something from the love of our son and a physical relationship? I mean.. I do love him.. or at least the memory of the man I met 4 years ago. He can be sweet.. funny... loving.. strong... but he can also be the biggest jerk...
Maybe I expect too much..

Poem for my angel.

I look into his eyes and see everything he needs


I hold him in my arms and know just how things should be


I watch him play and fight back tears

Knowing that he needs you near


To teach him things I do not know

To hold his hand and help him grow


It pains me all the things you've missed

First smile .. first laugh.. first morning kiss


What hurts the most is that you can't see

Exactly what your place could be

So lets update.
I found a home daycare that I am fairly comfortable with for Joaquin... I was and still am not to comfortable with home daycare.. mainly because there is one person caring for so many children... It has to be quite stressful..That coupled with the fact that Joaquin is just 15 months and cannot tell me if something bad happens just makes me uneasy.. I cannot swing what it will cost to put him in a larger facility and put Marissa in aftercare so she doesn't become a "latchkey" kid.
Anyway I am a bit more at ease knowing that there are two caregivers at any given time at this facility.
I went for a visit last week and Joaquin absolutely loved it... he spent the whole hour there trying to hug the other babies.. he never even noticed when I left the room..

Now the work situation...
I am still employed and still feeling horrible about the whole letter thing.. Ruth is still here too.. thank goodness.. I am not sure how long Mr. Redmond will wait before he speaks with her.. or me for that matter.. I am 98% sure he has already made his choice.. but there still is that 2% chance he could change his mind..
A bright spot in this whole thing... well possible bright spot.. is that I did get a call about another job. I had put in my resume to a local company about a month ago.. had a wonderful 2 hour interview and never got a call back . .. So when this whole thing at work came up I called and left a message... The owner called back yesterday and asked me back in for a second interview... Downside is that it is not for the purchasing position I applied for.. it's for sales... complete opposite end of the spectrum .. I am pretty sure I could handle the job but I love purchasing.. and I love management even more... another downside is that the reason I didn't get the purchasing position is that they decided not to hire for that position until possibly first quarter because things are slow.. that is a little scary.

The positives are that taking it will mean Ruth can keep her job.. I will be five minutes from home... It will be a much needed change of pace.. more money and the workload will be much less... ok so I don't know if the whole less work thing is a positive or not.. I like things fast paced... I like getting things done and I work extremely well under pressure... so I could easily get bored... but who knows .. I could absolutely love it.. I am pretty adaptable.
Well before I get ahead of myself I will have to go for this second interview and see if they actually want to hire me.


Ahh and now the personal stuff..
Jack... why are men so difficult.. I hate games.. and we are still playing this.."you tell me what to do and I'll do it" game... I haven't called him in a week( I have text him to let him know I was thinking of him) .. I told him I was tired of feeling like I was forcing myself and Joaquin on him.. and that if I had to order him to come visit .. or call... well that it just seemed like we are a burden in his life... and I refuse to be that... so anyway.. we are at a standstill.. he hasn't called either.. and he didn't visit this week because I didn't tell him to.. sounds like an excuse if you ask me..
I guess the problem with the whole game thing is that he is better at it than I am... much better at it.. I try to be as open as I can.. tell him what I want.. He just doesn't get it..
Do men and women speak different languages? What is it that I am saying or doing wrong.. why am I not getting through to this man?
I mean.. I don't doubt he loves me .. He has shown that he does.. it's just this odd, frustrating.. manipulative .. irritating .. gods I want to scream.. type of love..
I don't have much relationship experience.. I was with one man since I was 16.. until he passed away almost 5 years ago he was all I knew.. so I don't know if it is just that I don't know how to do this... or if Jack is just an idiot!
He has everything he says he ever wanted sitting in front of him.. and he is just letting it slip through his fingers.. I don't get it.. or maybe it is not him .. maybe it's me.. either way... I really wish we could put the game away and be happy

Self Preservation vs. Conscience

So.. I gave the letter to the President of the company.. I wanted to take the cowards way out and give it to Tina(She is HR in our company) but she, of course, had already told him that I was writing one up and when I brought it to her she just about pushed me into his office to speak with him.
Tina is like that... I love that woman.. she is rough on the exterior but she genuinely tries her best to help everyone all the time.

Anyway.. it's done and I feel horribly guilty. As I said.. I did not badmouth anyone.. just stated my qualifications for the job.
I mean logically.. I am already doing most of the job ... and I'm good at it... she is paid more than I am.. We really only need one manager. She is planning on leaving before the end of the year..and well with 3 kids to support pretty much by myself.. I really need my job..

My struggle isn't with the logical side.. my struggle is with the ethical.. moral side.. She is my friend.. she doesn't have children to support but she does have a mortgage and bills to pay. She is a bit older than me and she really isn't qualified for the job she has so making the salary she does will not come easy.. and well it just seems like I am stepping on toes to get ahead..

Maybe I am.. But I really do not know what else to do.. I have my resume out there so who knows.. maybe someone will bite and I can avoid the whole situation..

Another thing that I now have to consider is daycare for my Munchkin. My daughter and I alternate work hours so that one of us is home with him.. Mr Redmond made it pretty clear that he was going to choose me but that I will have to work regular 9 to 5 hours.
There was no bending there.

I really hate putting Joaquin in daycare.. I love that he always has someone home with him that loves him.. but I am left with no options.. if I lose this job I will have to put him in daycare anyway once I find a new one.

I made a tough decision that I hated .. I did talk to Tina about my feelings.. and in her firm but reassuring way said..
"Remember when you got the management position I told you not to be afraid to step on some toes and that the time would come when you had to? Well, that time has come."
I guess she's right.. still doesn't feel good.

I'm not sure if I did the right thing.. and well Karma might just bite me in the ass a few years down the road .. but for now.. desperation and self preservation have won over conscience.

Horrible week

So things are horrible at work.. The president(KR) of the company wants to lay off at least 7 people and I am pretty sure I will have to lay Carol off.
I love my job.. but I really dislike having to be the bearer of bad news. I like Carol.. she's funny, sweet.. a bit of a busy body.. and well, to be honest not the most productive employee here... but she makes the workday interesting.

I also heard through the grapevine that they are thinking of laying off someone in management.. That would be me or Ruth... Knowing this I have decided to write up a letter to KR pointing out all of my strong points... and why I would be the better choice to keep on should it come to that. A resume of sorts.
It bothers me more than a bit to do it because I really like Ruth a lot. She is a great person.. always trying to feed me.. and she adores my little angel.
I feel like I'm "throwing her under the bus" .. you know what I mean? I haven't put her down at all in the letter.. but pointing out why I would be the better choice is well .. not exactly the nicest way to keep a job... or a friend.
I don't fault the company at all for deciding to cut management.. hell I would have done it a year ago... It just makes sense.
Anyway I hope I am doing the right thing..


My personal life is not going much better. I swear I have no idea how to do this whole relationship thing.. I have no clue what Jack wants! Every time I think we are making progress he says something stupid.. or wont talk to me.

This week he is doing this " I'll do whatever you want" thing. It's driving me insane... Now I know in theory it sounds great! Every woman wants a man to cater to her every whim .. right?

Not this way.. He takes it to the most extreme level you can imagine.. I ask if he is busy or can talk on the phone "whatever you wish".. I ask if he would like me to call him back because he is obviously busy or distracted "whatever you want" .. He comes to visit me and Joaquin (his son) but only after I say these exact words "Jack come up and visit".. If I ask him if he would like to visit I get no response..

Today was the worst.. He actually asked me what he was saying wrong and what I wanted him to say..

I know he is trying to manipulate me.. I know better than to play these games.. I can't win them.. he's been doing it for so long he is a pro at it... I even know why he's doing it.. You see he cannot compromise .. it's either his way or my way.. there is no middle ground.. He said to me once.. "you want to make me happy? Shut up and do what I say".. I think there might have been an expletive in there somewhere.. but you get the point.. I was speechless.. but found just enough voice to let out a laugh before hanging up the phone.. Only problem is I picked up the phone when he called back later that night.. and I keep picking up the phone.


So again... why do I stay.. Still trying to figure that one out... if anyone has an idea.. I'm all ears.. or.. umm.. eyes ;)
Stressful week.. and it's only Wednesday!

The eyes of a child

Looking into the bottom of the second bag of popcorn I have burned today.. feeling a little sick and remembering my mothers words... "there are people in third world countries starving and you are not going to waste that" The first bag was just too far gone to eat..Ohh the guilt (sorry mom)!
It amazes me that those words stuck so deeply that it would affect my day to day life, even nearing 40.
It got me thinking... I wonder if we as parents take into consideration the impact our words and actions have on our children.
Most parents are appauled when we see the news and hear of a parent abusing their child. We cringe when we here them call them names.. or tell them to shut up. But do we really take into consideration that everything they see impacts them later in life?
Mom gets slapped by dad.. she makes an excuse.. "he didn't mean it".
Dad comes home late from work smelling like perfume and alcohol. Mom is crying .. nothing is said but they know.

They always know.. maybe not the details, but they know something is not right, and we are supposed to be able to fix it.

I still remember getting ready to tell my then 10 year old son that his dad wasn't coming home from the hospital... but before I ever uttered a word I looked down at his usually smiling, big brown eyes and knew that he already knew.. they were pleading with me.. no.. screaming at me to fix it .. but I couldn't.. I sat there helpless... speechless..

I guess my point is ... in our childrens eyes we are everything.. their world starts and ends with us.. It is our obligation to teach them through who we are. Because eventually and inevitably it will either be who they are or who they hate.. but it will stay with them for a lifetime.

Misfits

It's been a few days since I've been able to actually sit down and think.. let alone write anything. I'm sitting at work again .. Things are so slow right now that I thought I might take a few minutes to write.. or.. err type. But what to type? The economy? Politics? Health care? Bah! all so depressing. So instead, I will try to explain the incredibly odd, hmm... no, quirky place where I work..

First some background... My husband of 18 years passed away May 2nd 2004. Before that time I had been a stay at home mom. We had decided early in our relationship that children needed stability and as long as we could afford it one of us would stay home. It worked beautifully. Then.. the unthinkable happened. It was sudden and so unexpected that it all still seems like a dream.. or like looking through the window of someone else s life. Soon after the initial shock, with no time to grieve I thought "what now"? How was I to support 3 kids on my own with almost no work experience? My oldest was 15 and I hadn't worked in as many years. I panicked! I placed as many applications as I could, and contemplated a possible bar tending or waitress job to help make ends meet.

Then my sister in law called and said they might be hiring in their shipping department and she would try to get me an appointment to apply and interview. I was relieved, thankful and scared out of my mind. I began in shipping and worked my way up to Purchasing Manager at an unusual place place that I have often compared to "the land of misfit toys" .

The first two people that made an impression on me were Carol and Julie.
Carol came down to introduce herself. A pleasant woman with a thick New York accent. She gave me a heads up on the people I would be working with, taking extra care to tell me about 2 people in particular; George and RD.
George, she said, looked scary but was a really nice guy, and RD was a strange man with a fetish for teddy bears (I will explain shortly).
I didn't really get introduced to Julie... but she did make an impression on me, and it wasn't a good one. She came downstairs after being asked to help with that weeks shipments. She was an extremely large woman who was noticeably unhappy with being asked to do this task. Interestingly enough(or not) she also had a New york accent. I must admit I was a bit intimidated by her. I am quite happy that I didn't let first impressions deter me from getting to know her. She turned out to be an incredible person and a good friend. She passed away earlier this year, leaving two young boys behind. She will be missed.

OK Now on to RD and his bears.. RD is in his early 60s and well lets just say he is an interesting Character. When I allow my mind to wonder what his home life is like, all I can seem to picture is Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs". I am not quite sure why as he really isn't a scary man. Creepy yes but not scary. Well as I said earlier, he has a bear fetish. Yes I said Bear!
He owns over 200 of them all male and all naked. He doesn't just collect bears, which might seem a little quirky, he talks to them. He has been seen on more than one occasion kissing fondling and having discussions with whichever bear he chooses to have accompany him to work on a given day. .. I remember Carol telling me that he liked me and then warning me "Don't let him take your picture!". Well apparently RD has developed an infatuation with a few women who have worked here... and apparently he has taken their picture and they sit on his nightstand (I wonder if he talks to them). I don't really know what to make of him. He is attracted to women but, at the same time, has a unnatural infatuation with stuffed bears. I am sure I will write more about him in the future.. but for now.. lets move on to George.

As I said earlier I was warned not to be frightened by his appearance.. which again had the opposite effect.. anyway...
I met him and really could not understand all the warnings. He wasn't disfigured in any way ...
Ok so he was a bit different. .. He is covered in tattoos from the top of his head to his feet.. and he had at that time I believe acquired 69 piercings .. quite a few of which were in his face. But he was an extremely friendly man, very polite and generous to a fault ... I say was.. because well.. we will delve into that a bit later.. for now lets just say I am not his favorite person.
He lives in what he calls a tool shed.. which is actually a remodeled barn. He is a severe alcoholic who is oddly one of the most health concience people I know... Jogs every day.. watches what he eats.. but carries a bag with at least 5 beers when visiting anyone. ..

So That was Julie, Carol, RD and George... there are more interesting people that work here... I am sure I will mention them on more than one occasion...... but this post could go on for days.. and well I really do need to get back to the real world.